Making the Hooker a Pleasurable Experience

As I'm a loser who can't get laid, I like to visit the hooker's every once in a while. But lots of times it ends up being a less-than-satisfactory experience. I'm wondering, what actions can I do that will help me to feel less shy? How can I enhance the pleasure I get from the hooker, while still maintaining interpersonal distance?

I like the lap dances you can get at the strippers but those don't culminate in the act. How would I find a hooker that makes the whole thing into a erotic experience?

SUGGESTIONS:

Obviously, hookers, like strippers, dentists or plastic surgeons, come in many different echelons of quality. Now, if you go for a world-class hooker (this'll be some thousands of dollars), you should have no problem having a great time, since these fine ladies and fellows (sometimes both at once) are sex experts.

"Wait!" you might be thinking, "aren't all hookers sex experts?" Why, no they're not! Hookers are actually just people who are willing to trade sex for money... and most of them aren't that talented (or motivated). This is where the real problem lies; while a hooker might whisper sultry somethings about how much he/she wants you to do them like a less-than-totally-clean something-or-other, chances are they would actually rather be doing something else (sleeping, eating, drugs, or - in the most far gone cases - watching Smallville).

Now, I'm sure EVERYONE who's been around the block at all has experienced some mediocre sex - it happens to the best of us - and a lack of interest is almost always the cause. Other causes may include: mistaken gender identity, unexpected vomiting and swarms of killer bees, but these are much less prevalent. So now the question is one that will be familiar to any middle management out there... how do we get her/him/it involved?

Step 1: Choosing a Hooker

• Attractive
  Obviously, the first thing you should look for in a hooker is someone who you find (at least somewhat) desirable. Trust me, any girl (and most guys), regardless of their hooker/non-hooker status can tell when you find them undesirable.
  
• Alert
  Hells yeah it matters! Look for a hooker who isn't totally fucked out of his/her mind due to drugs, undernourishment or mental disorders. Before you discuss business, try to get a feel for whether you'll actually be able to communicate enough with this person (verbally, physically, etc.) to feel like you can shape the experience to come. Also, prostitutes who stay "clean" are far less dangerous for you, both for health and legal reasons.
  
• Healthy
  You'll enjoy you partner more and (chances are) they will enjoy themselves more if they aren't too sore, sick, or out-of-shape to have active, creative sex. Also doubles as a health concern.
  

So now that you've chosen your partner of choice, it's time for...

Step 2: Setting the Groundwork

• Your Mindset.
  Now, if you feel intense guilt over consorting with a member of the sex trade, this could be hard. But unless you're cheating on someone without their knowledge, you shouldn't feel guilty any more than you would taking someone home from a club. Seriously - as long as you treat your partner well and refrain from taking out any emotional baggage/personality issues on them, you have no reason to feel guilty or inferior. If you bring an attitude of shame or indecency to the act, it'll rub off and make both of you pretty miserable.
  
• Be Decent
  Be polite. Be friendly. Be straightforward. Introduce yourself to you partner and ask them their (first) name. This helps put you both at ease and lets you feel more... familiar. HOWEVER, it is *not* polite to probe into their life, their state of mind, or how they like their job. If you want, you can tell them about parts of your life (please, be brief!), and if they want to reciprocate, they will... but never, never push this.
  
• Set Ground Rules
  Hookers, like any other kind of lovers, like to feel confident that they can and are doing a good job. Talk to your partner and let her know what you like or don't like - and then ask her/him the same thing. "What?? she/he's a hooker! They don't get to be picky!" Aw, man, what bullshit! Now, they do get paid to perform sexual acts, but that kind of attitude makes for BAD SEX. Seriously. A hooker who doesn't have to feel so anxious about doing things they really don't want to do is much more happy and much more happy to please.
  
• Let Him/Her Feel Good
  Now, no hooker is going to believe that they're the most gorgeous, irresistible individual you've ever seen... so try to be sincere. Did you pick your partner for their great eyes? The way they smile? Surely there are some truly honest things you can say to let them know that they're more than just an assortment of holes and protrusions. Don't be awkward about it, don't go in for excessive flattery, but do or say something to let them know that you're here with them, and that you notice them.
  

Step 3: The Act(s)

Now, if you were an impeccable, creative, intuitive lover chances are (with some exceptions, of course) that you wouldn't be paying for sex... so see this not only as a chance to have fun and get off, but as a chance to improve your skills in bed. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask! A prostitute will be more involved if they realize that you appreciate their knowledge and that you see sex with them as presenting bigger opportunities than a couple cumshots. People like to feel appreciated, and they like to teach what they know. Now, remember than most sex workers are not sex experts... but they're generally pretty experienced and have plenty of advice and ideas to share if you can get them to feel comfortable.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that these guidelines are going to bring you the best sex in your life, but you'll find that they make paid sex a lot more fun, pleasurable and enriching. But above all of this, BE SAFE condoms, dental dams, latex gloves etc. are your friends. Even if you're using toys, even if you think she/he is totally clean, LOVE YOUR LATEX. Seriously.

Happy Fucking!

(You know what? These tips are all generally good guidelines for one-night stands as well, with minor, common-sense modifications.)