Have an affair

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"How to" have an affair. This article is about dating illicitly while married. It makes the assumption that the a spouse does not know. If not, see "Date a married woman".


Some people will immediately ask "why?". The passions of an affair ignores things like bills, stress, career dissatisfaction, health issues, family, and children. The male stereotype is that most men have affairs because a need for sex caused by a lack of sex with their spouse. The female stereotype is that most women have affairs because they do not feel appreciated (or understood) and feel the romance died. These stereotypes may hit close to home, but often don't match reality. The main causes of affairs:

  • lack of communication,
  • vague dissatisfaction,
  • lack of fulfillment,
  • desire for escape
  • the need for excitement and
  • the need for danger

If you are considering having an affair, don't do it if you want better social life, it is not synonymous. If you are not sure, don't do it!

Things to consider

1st things 1st ... get your reasonings thought out. There are a number of things to consider before having an affair. First, what is the likely outcome? What is the unlikely outcome? Is this just a self-esteem boost? Is it a sign of "needing help"? Will your current partner find out? Are you trying to get "revenge" on partner? What is the worst case scenario? Are you trying to re-capture that "new lover" feeling?

Various actions ...

Tip-off signals of an affair are not usually the stereotypical signs. They are usually subtle ones, a "sixth sense of something different." No matter how careful you are, while trying to hide an affair, "clues" can't be easily concealed. If they are forces to make too many rationalization and your significant other is trying to convince themselves that you wouldn't have an affair, this may be the biggest clue of all.

  • Do always use protection!!! (eg., a condom; wrap that rascal ...) Do not buy condoms in bulk. Buy enough for each tryst.
  • Do not pull away or create any more emotional distance beteween you and your significant other than normal. Do keep interest in sex with your significant other.
  • Never engage in an affair with a colleague, neighbour, spouse's friend, or your spouse's family member.
  • Never bring your "extra partner" to your dwelling.
  • Do stay "in character". Don't make comments about "new" or "unfamiliar" interests. Don't act in "unfamiliar" ways.
  • Never go to dwelling of the "extra partner" (unless they are completely single and free; No ties of a serious relationship.) If they go down, chances are you'll go down.
  • Never call your "extra partner" from your home phone and/or your cell phone (especially if your spouse has access to your phone record.)
  • Never give your "extra partner" your home phone number.
  • Don't ignore or criticize your significant other's actions or attempts to discuss personal issues.
  • Try to keep a low profile when you are out with your "extra partner". It's surprizing how many people you are known by and/or who your spouse knows (who unbeknownst to you may see you).
  • Never use a credit card or leave a paper trail. Do not keep a detailed diary.
  • Do meet with your lover out of town - somewhere far away from home (somewhere people do not know you or your spouse).
  • Try to set regular "date" schedule. If a spouse expects someone out of town for business overnight every Wednesday, nothing will be suspect when that is maintained. Changes in normal patterns of behavior attract attentions. Don't spend more time away from home.
  • Do not become over confident in the deception of your spouse. Becoing "too sure" leads to becoming sloppy and getting caught. Don't alter the amount of attention to your appearance.
  • Do not tell everyone! No one else needs to know of the illicit trysts. Trust very few individuals, if any, with your secret.
  • Do not make promises which cannot be kept. Nothing will prompt your "extra partner" to reveal your activities to a spouse faster than a failure to fulfill some insincere commitment (such as "ending your marriage" for them). Do not start an affair claiming to be single and available (since you are not and portraying yourself as such is being insincere).
  • Always have a plausible explanation for where you are and who you are with (just in case).
  • Do accept when an affair is over, gracefully.

Alternatives to ...

Alternatives to having an affair is to engage your partner in swinging, polyamor, or other alternative lifestyles. Having an affair is completely contrary to the concept of many alternative lifestyles.

Further reading

  • David Miller, "The Joys of Adultery - How to cheat and get away with it".
  • William F. Mitchell, Jr., "Adultery: Facing Its Reality". ISBN 1-5864-138-6
  • Reena Sommer, "Anatomy of an Affair".
  • H. Cameron Barnes, "Affair! How to Manage Every Aspect of Your Extramarital Relationship with Passion, Discretion and Dignity". ISBN 1581127774
  • "The manual of how to cheat on your wife". ISBN 0-9721995-0-0
  • Jay D. Louise, "How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught!". ISBN 0964478900
  • Julia Copus, "In Defence of Adultery". ISBN 1852246073
  • Elissa Gough, "The Other Woman's Guide to and from Infidelity; The journal for Women in Affairs with Married Men". ISBN 1891863037
  • Don-David, "Infidelity : A Survival Guide" ISBN 1572240873
  • Laurel Walum Richardson, "The New Other Woman : Contemporary Single Women in Affairs With Married Men". ISBN 0029268915

External sites

  • Philanderers International Personals site with excellent free articles and a forum about married dating.
  • "Cheaters.com - Cheaters". Reality TV exposes extramarital affairs.
  • Aubrey Hammack, "Reasons Not To Have An Affair ". (article)
  • Busted you! Dedicated to helping families overcome the difficulties they face with online infidelity.
  • Cheater Buster Stopping The Deception of Infidelity Online and Off.
  • WomanSavers.com - formerly known as manhaters.com. Worldwide "Rate-a-Guy" database survey ranks men's infidelity.